These sound funny maybe, but believe it or not they represent real pearls of wisdom that people have shelled out to me over the years.
1) Make sure to ask to see their boss or the person who write the checks. Make sure they get the point that you don't want to deal with a peon like she is. That always helps.
2) Don't meet deadlines. This one by itself is pretty useless. WHat you want to do is make sure they realize that its there fault anyway.
3) Set expectations that are stratospheric! Always over do the sales cycle. Sell them the world and deliver a small unknown country with no resources. That'll do it every time.
4) Put lost of wriggle room in the contract. You know you had to go too low to win this work. So it's only fair for you to get them on the terms and conditions. Ah the T's and C's. Nothing like the look on a clients face when she realizes she has been had!
5) Slap them with variations every time they mention an idea. Great one. Helped me get thrown out of a construction job in Australia many years ago. And you really don't want to be on the wrong side of construction type people.
6) Become an expert at double talk. The English language is a wonderful thing. Make sure to use it to its full level of deceptiveness.
7) Make sure you don't communicate important issues to them. You know the one. Slip the note under the door telling them you won't be there next week just as you are running for the plane. Or better yet, bury the bad news in a pile of great news. Foot notes are good for this!
8) Call meetings when they aren't there! An all time classic. Gives you the ability to call them out for not being present as well as to pass important actions in their absence. Don't overlook this one!
9) (of 10) Did I mention you should always under deliver already...?